even when

Sometimes it's hard to be cute. Not everyone has the ability to say things that are totally delightful or can walk around blinking like a baby owl (as you know: the epitome of cuteness). I like the ones who surprise you and catch you off guard. Like the little guy in the middle on the far right. He's pretty cute. And oops! Looks totally surprised; just trying to look like a Panda.

I am not cute today. I woke up before Mister Important made the Earth (like, very early) and didn't bother to shower. I did shower last night, but that only meant my hair looked nice before I went to bed. Once I slept on it (partially wet as it was) it looked a little awkward.

We have a mirror by the door to our office and it's job is pretty simple: To mock you each time you walk by and make snide remarks like, "Oh, what, woke up early today?" And, "You look tired."

Which, by the way, is a terrible thing to say to somebody. I try and pre-empt it with over-zealous protective commentaries about myself looking tired. "I know, I look totally awful. " Or, "Ugh, I feel like a zombie, and probably look like one, too." It's not like I'm fishing for compliments or that I have a low self esteem. I just don't want someone to tell me I look tired. Even when I look really really tired.

two feet and a fist

Our health industry is "interesting." I've never really had to take part in it except for that one time I had a concussion, the other time with having my wisdom teeth removed, and a pretty consistent "lady checkup."

Maybe my upbringing had something to do with it. We didn't visit the doctor's office when we had a cold, or when we sprained an ankle. Our parents seemed to know enough to take us in when they thought we might have a broken arm or when we seemed to need stitches (which means there was actually something the doctors could do).

You could argue they just got lucky.

Far be it for me to judge as I've only been visiting my new doctor for two years. But I will. (You knew that was coming.)

I am frustrated. Beyond frustrated actually, as here I sit another month into a grueling "what the what is wrong with me?" adventure.

With the help of a nutritionist and some serious online sleuthing, I finally got my doctor to take me seriously and do a series of blood tests. It just so happens that my thyroid was not in awesome working order, also my Vitamin D levels were super low (duh, considering I live in Seattle).

The thyroid issue can happen for a variety of reasons, and a pretty ridiculous percentage of people (women and men) have thyroid problems. Lots more probably undiagnosed. My numbers weren't outrageous compared to some, but for me they meant: not sleeping through the night, feeling exhausted (like my limbs were filled with lead) no matter how much sleep I got, feeling cold ALL of the time, hoarse voice, lack of creativity (and I'm a designer in every aspect of my life), low excitement and grumpy/sad/moody. If you know me, then you'll know that is not normal. The list goes on and on, but those are some of the big ones.

As for the Vitamin D, I take a 2,000 IU capsule every day and I haven't gotten a cold all winter (except for that one time when I forgot to take my Vitamin D for a week).

So I'm on a low dose of thyroid hormone for the rest of my life. It has helped a lot in a lot of ways, but I'm having episodes every month or two that include:

Feeling like I've-been-hit-by-a-truck tired (regardless of 'sleeping' 9-10 hours a night).

Not able to sleep through the night.

Nauseated to the point of hovering over the toilet.

I stop cooking (which I love, and do typically every day).

I don't want to see anyone (and I live for my friend visits and catching up time).

This makes me unbelievably sad. The thought of seeing someone and having them ask, "Hey, how's it going?" makes me cry.

Literally.

This is not normal. I know it's not normal. And yet, when I visit my doctor or call to make an appointment for a blood test they say, "Well, you are getting older. Try drinking a lot of water for a week and see what happens."

I've been drinking 5 or more 22 ounce bottles of water a day. That's 110 ounces of H20!!! I only weigh 20-odd pounds more than that! I'm nearly drinking my weight in water every day and I feel awful. I don't drink coffee, I don't drink alcohol more than once or twice a week (yay for Saturdays!). I've been working out. I don't work long hours. I eat mostly home-cooked meals. My breakfast is yogurt and granola with blueberries. I think I could do with some more salads but I don't drink soda and I don't smoke. I watch my salt intake. I am not pregnant.

It comes in waves for a week every month or two. I've been back to the doctor three times to ask about this, as I read it could be side effects from the medication. She responded, "I really don't think so."

And here's where the judgment comes in: If you only have 15 mins with a patient once a year (unless they're a total irritation like me and come back four or five times) you are bound to make assumptions regardless of knowing next to nothing about them. These are most likely pulled from lots of reading, and lots of people who need a doctor to give them drugs. I don't want drugs. I don't even want the ones I'm supposed to take. I just want a definitive answer to figure out why I'm swinging like a pendulum from feeling pretty good to feeling totally, unbearably awful, on what is becoming a regular basis. I want the person who paid outrageous amounts of money and spent long, intense hours studying to help me.

Apparently it may take more than fifteen minutes. I'd like a second opinion, and perhaps you could refer me to a specialist. Or at least understand that I'm not making this up and that after 34 years of life lived in a pretty clear-about-myself state, I might actually know a little something about how I am feeling and that it's not a lack of hydration.

It's just a thought.

photo courtesy of savvy patient

the junk in my head

Some nights are sleepless and filled with strange dreams (like your mouth full of stitches because your gums are all rearranged; thanks E! Television). I woke up confused and exhausted, my eyes squinty and my brain in denial that morning had indeed come.

Luckily this doesn't happen very often, because when it does every cell in my body wants to abort the wake up mission, and return to bed. Stat.

Some days are a foggy blur of people talking, working on 'stuff' and going through the motions (wake up, eat, work, walk, gym, eat). I'm focused entirely on getting through to Then when I can roll my sleepy self into bed and curl up, with my pillow scrunched up just so. In the meantime, I have to do a job and drive around running errands. It's dumb, really.

Tonight I'll wear earplugs and ignore the night sounds that kept me up last night. I'll try not notice when the dog starts wagging his tail at 6:30am for his walk. I'll look away from the "Top 20 Best and Worst Plastic Surgeries" or whatever other disturbing show is on TV at the gym.

I swear. I'll do at least two out of three.

sleepy hedgehog courtesy of petsblog

sleepy kitten courtesy of wailoong.com