soaking it up

We're expecting our first tiny human in June and I know I can't begin to fathom what that love will feel like, what that little sleep will feel like, and of course I struggle with the fear "What kind of mother will I be?"

I know I've got the love, but what about the patience and the survival instinct to live through the exhaustion? I'm no spring chicken (I'm no chicken at all). I'm not exactly ancient, but I'm not 22 when I used to sleep only a couple of hours a night and still have a productive day.

It's easy to get overwhelmed. By reading options, by the future, by life. Even by the Pup who suddenly needs a whole lot of attention (or the same amount as last week but it feeeeeels like so much more).
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on, and most of it has nothing in common with anything else. But I'm trying to soak it all up, absorb knowledge through every pore.

I jump from page to page, the internet spreading out before me offering information on every possible subject. I have found myself pondering computer-generated photos of tiny animals in the womb, an Iraqi orphan curled up on a chalk outline of her mother (I am skeptical that she drew it herself, but it's awfully sweet), a friend's blog with beautiful photos of life with new baby and a two year old. And then I realize all of my random web surfing all does sort of relate. Tinies in one form or another; new to the world, new to us. There's so much to learn! So much to read!

I think it's a bit like trying to take in the whole picture instead of focusing on the little moments that make up a day. I am reading a book called Momma Zen, and I have decided I would like to view things like the author does: Don't have expectations. Or if you do, know that anything and everything can change and you have to roll with that, too. And it is exactly how it should be.

In the last few days I have felt something in there - little movements that I have to focus on to feel and even then they are elusive. We heard a heartbeat on the doppler, we saw a little being on the ultrasound. This is happening.

It's not as we expected (much sooner, much easier) but it's been perfect in it's surprising little way. Excitement, nervousness, wonder, and a sort of foggy bliss that we ride in waves. So much to prepare. So much to be thankful for. And so much to love.



photo courtesy of houseandleisure.co.za